


Unlearn

by theparadoxic



Series: Homecoming [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Atonement - Freeform, Drama, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-11-06 02:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theparadoxic/pseuds/theparadoxic
Summary: Roy handed the toll to get Hughes back from the dead. But he wasn’t quite sure what was worse - the price that he had to pay or the fact that his reality was altered completely.





	1. The Exchange

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been a while; haven’t written [fan]fiction since 2015. This is a bit new in many ways - first part is inevitably heavy but I’ll be playing around lighter tones as best as I can. (No promises, however.) Would love to know what you think! Enjoy!

Roy just wanted to get out. Everything he’s been through all these years have prepared him for most anything, but not this. Never in a million years this. “I have no business with you nor do I intend to conduct one.”

“Interesting,” the last syllable drew out longer than usual. Truth, with all its eyeless grin and mischievous demeanor, suddenly had an excited tone as he spoke once more, “Tell you what, Roy Mustang.” Of how it knew his name, Roy didn’t ask. “Since you’re already here, why don’t we make a deal?”

“I told you I have no intention of conducting any busine--”

Truth ignored his attempt at dismissal, “You told me you do not desire to play God, that you were forced to open the gate by people other than yourself. And yet you are here, facing me, all but ready for a bargain. It’s an interesting predicament to be faced by somebody who has no intention of bringing back the dead to life, so why don’t I just _offer_ you the opportunity?”

No, it couldn’t be what he meant.

“Roy Mustang, I will resurrect someone - anyone - should you ask of me now.”

Roy’s eyes widened.

_Hughes._

“N-no,” it was faint, powerless, and barely louder than a murmur. It was painful to even decline, but the pragmatic side of him knew better. And yet, he couldn’t repeat his response -- couldn’t say it loud and clear, as if attempting to even do so would physically retaliate. The thought of human transmutation and the fact that it’s taboo were quite easily overshadowed by the thought of his best friend, of Hughes. A slight pang in his chest pulsated as he ignored the croak in his throat, and finally, he mustered up enough courage, “That’s against the law of alchemy. You can’t bring the dead back to life! Why do I have to pay for something I never asked for?”

It was too easy, Roy thought.

“I take it you’re interested in the offer?”

Despite his best efforts to not even consider it, he blurted, “What do I have to give in return?” It was against his better judgment but he wanted -- no, he _had to_ at least know what the odds were.

Very simply and straightforwardly, Truth answered, “Equivalent exchange.”

A gigantic eye and a flash of bright white was what followed. Or at least, that was what Roy last saw.

He couldn’t exactly remember.

The nightmares of that day keep coming back to haunt him, sleeping or otherwise.

The exchange with Truth around 4-5 years ago was no longer fresh, yet it was still a struggle for Roy to digest even at that moment, even after he’s decided to move on with his life. Maybe it was because it was too difficult to comprehend. Or maybe because he simply refused to comprehend. He wasn’t sure which one, perhaps a combination of both. Either way, none of the things he agreed upon didn’t seem to make sense, mostly because of the rude awakenings that followed.

For one, when Truth said it was an equivalent exchange, he _meant_ it was an equivalent exchange. However, even when he was somewhat prepared for the consequence of bringing Hughes back, he did not expect for Riza to be the toll.

As such, Riza ceased to exist. It didn’t quite click at first, and Roy connected the dots when one day he woke up in the middle of a dark forest, snapped his fingers to create light, but no flames came out. One of the worse days of his life took a turn for the worst when he realised he was incapable of alchemy. He did not learn the alchemy he learned from Riza many years ago, which meant that she probably never existed in the first place. He remembers sitting in nothingness, in a deafening silence, defeat looming over him as -- for the first time in his life -- he didn’t know what to do with the choices he made.

Roy didn’t really know that Truth’s price was more than what he could afford. And although it was a painful pill to swallow, he was contented with the mere thought that his best friend was still alive somewhere out there, even if it meant not being able to see him again.

As far as Roy knew, everything that happened up until that day existed only in his memory. It’s still difficult at times, but there was nothing else he could do. There was nothing else _he dared_ to do.

But it didn’t matter now, did it? Even if he sulked all he wanted, he couldn’t exactly undo what happened. Roy could attempt to open the gate again, but the fact that he was never the one who possessed the knowledge of the human transmutation circle was already a dead end.

Roy sighed heavily as he put off his cigarette and got back inside the vehicle. The pair of glasses previously sitting atop his head now rested on the bridge of his nose. His eyesight’s gotten bad over the years. And he never bothered to cut his hair, so it was always tied limply in a ponytail. Not like he was required to look clean anymore anyway.

The sun has already set by the time he began driving home. It’s been a long day and he was just glad it’s over. Then again, days were usually long for cab drivers in Creta, and doubly so when his memories of Amestris become persistent. With Creta’s industries getting bigger and bigger, immigrants and tourists alike have started exploring the country, which at least kept Roy occupied more often than not. “At least dinner’s soon,” he muttered to nobody in particular.

The city was starting to sleep as the clock ticked 19:00, with factories closing its doors and pubs lighting up instead. Just around the corner of his eye was a pub he loved visiting, partly because of their exquisite liquor but mostly because it was the first place he’s felt like home since he woke up from the exchange. He smiled faintly, “Maybe I’ll grab something to drink.”

He was about to turn the wheel to the direction of the said place when someone familiar caught his eye.

A hand waving frantically in mid-air was barely meters away. There was a long, blonde ponytail dancing behind the man’s head, his brown trench coat swinging from side to side.

Roy had to be dreaming.

The wave of nostalgia, curiosity, and, a bit of relief drove him to pull up the car. Roy felt something hard block his throat. He couldn’t greet the man as he got in the back seat, afraid to approach the situation.

When the pair of golden eyes looked at him, Roy didn’t need to say anything else to confirm that it was Fullmetal -- Edward. He’s gotten older and it seems, taller, too. Is he 20 now? Roy couldn’t remember anymore. How is his brother? Has Amestris turned into a democracy? There were too many questions he wanted to ask, but couldn’t exactly either.

“You okay?” Edward looked at him straight in the eye, a knowing concern creeping up on his face. “I can just get another cab.”

“No, it’s-- I’m sorry,” Roy was trying his best not to panic. He swallowed once. “I’m very sorry.” He regained composure and hid his shock; the charming smile back on his face as quickly as it was to turn on a light switch. “Where are you headed?”

Edward looked at him again, questioning him silently. The gaze has turned intense, as if he wanted to say something, but no words coming out. After a beat of silence, he finally answered, and quite flatly at that, “Sardona Hotel.”

“Certainly. We’ll be there in less than 15.” Roy’s response was upbeat, rehearsed and exercised well from his time as an officer. It seemed to have appeased Edward a little bit, judging by how his shoulders relaxed when Roy looked over the rear-view mirror. He certainly did grow old, frame now broader, hair longer, and jawline sharper.

Roy turned his eyes back on the road. He realised that he’s been holding his breath when he did, and that it was his turn to relax his own shoulders. As he did, an uninvited feeling of loss crept up his skin, crawled up his spine, and threatened to well up his eyes with tears. The mere presence of Edward reminded Roy of what he’s lost. It reminded him of everything that he’s worked for has somewhat ended in vain, and that his old life is something he could possibly never get back again, just like how he’ll never get Riza back again.

Roy just wanted to know that things turned out okay -- if not for him, at least for Hughes, at least for what remained of his team back in Central. He really wanted to know if Hughes ended up living a good life after the exchange, and how things turned out after the Promised Day.

There were so many questions threatening to burst out, but after everything, Roy was afraid to tip the balance of his current reality.

He’s done quite enough and he dared not to do any more at this point.

All he could do in that moment was look ahead.

What other choice was there?


	2. Vices

It was the usual for Roy.

Everyday had the same routine: Wake up at 5 in the morning (he never got rid of the military habit), have a cup of black coffee, take a 20-minute shower, grab a piece of bread before heading out, and start driving around town. Some days would be slow, some days he would get bookings via telephone dispatches, and some days it would be a mix of both. When days went by slowly and he wasn’t too short on cash, a long afternoon drive was his automatic go-to. It helped him in two ways: 1) It could easily kill some time before he called it a day, and 2) It kept his mind off of the demons of his past.

Demons that have recently resurfaced because of a certain golden-haired alchemist.

Ever since he spotted Edward Elric along the streets of Creta, his afternoon drives have became more frequent. It sure as hell burned a lot of gas, which kinda forced him to drive more hours than he’s used to. It’s also come to the point where Roy practically knew every corner of the city, what with the many times he’s gone back and forth just to keep himself occupied. It was too easy a trap to think about his mistakes, especially with a living and breathing, physical reminder of the life that he’s turned his back from.

Even then, he couldn’t help but think about many things. Roy wondered if Ed were still around, if he were still staying in Sardona Hotel. Or maybe he already left after that encounter? Why was he even in Creta in the first place? Was he able to recognise that it was his old Commanding Officer that drove the cab that time?

Disdained and a little defeated, he gritted his teeth and hit the brakes. “Why is this happening,” Roy sighed. Both his forearms crossed over the steering wheel; he rested his forehead on them and tried his best to calm the anxiety that was starting to take over.

He’s well aware of the mistakes he’s done. Roy tried to pay for the price that was Riza; he tried to justify it with the least bit he could, which was Hughes’ life. And yet, all those mind games of trying to convince himself that things could be better would always fall short. Because deep down he knew it was selfish a decision either way, wanting one to live without sacrificing the other. Alchemy just didn’t work that way. His demons would always come out flying out of nowhere and catch him from behind. At times they would appear as the shadows that followed his footsteps; sometimes, in the shape of nightmares that kept him up at night. The nightmares were what took the biggest toll on him. There were days where he would only get 2 hours (4, if he were lucky) of shuteye, that those times practically forced him to give up trying and resort to his vices. There were one too many sunrises that he welcomed with alcohol and cigarettes -- too many he’d care to admit, even to himself.

And it’s been that way recently, too. His memory’s turned spotty because of the sleepless nights, but the mere thought of still having Edward in the same city locked him in a state of unease. Every time he would think about what he wanted to ask Edward, more and more questions would just start piling up, and--

_Riiing, riiing!_

The telephone inside his cab jolted him out of his thoughts. He picked up the receiver and quickly answered, “Yes, Roy Mustang here.”

“Good afternoon, Roy. It’s Cecille from the hotel.”

Roy couldn’t be more relieved to receive a service call. “Hi Cecille, anything I can do for you tonight?”

“Ah, yes, actually.” Her voice was calm and collected as always, “There’s a Mr. Edward Elric requesting for your service.”

He felt his breath hitch in his throat. So Ed _was_ still in the city. “Actually, Cecille, I might not be able to make it. Sorry, I just remembered there’s something I have to attend to later.” It was a very obvious lie. Why Roy did that, he wasn’t sure exactly. But if he had to guess, it was probably borne out of fear. He wasn’t sure if he’s ready to face Ed.

“Is that so?” Cecille replied, “Okay, I’ll let Mr. Elric know-- Ah, excuse me, sir--”

Before Roy could get a hold of what’s happening on the other line, a lower, more familiar voice took over. “Roy Mustang, it’s me. Don’t you dare hang up.”

He felt his hand shake as he tightened his grip on the receiver. It was suddenly getting harder to breathe. There were small, cold beads of sweat gathering around his face, and Roy was trying his hardest not to cut the conversation off.

Ed spoke again, voice calm, “Can you pick me up? Same hotel as the other day.”

The way he talked -- it was as if no years have passed by, like they were still C.O.-Subordinate in the military. Roy was both relieved and panicked. He still didn’t speak, trying to process the entire situation. There was silence on the other line, too, which Roy recognised immediately as Ed’s usual stubborn attitude. For a second, he allowed himself to at least remember one good thing about his past and smiled the smallest of smiles, but not a second later fear took over once again, “Sorry, I’m not--”

“Don’t bullshit me, Colonel.”

_Colonel._

The title he’s abandoned long ago. The title that he associated with everything he’s ever wanted and everything he’s lost since then. Ed casually just calling him that like how he did years ago, Roy wasn’t sure how to even react.

“Colonel, I’ll be waiting in the hotel. Pick me up. Now.”

And then the call got dropped. Typical Ed.

Roy, still holding the receiver, looked at nothing in particular. Even with the fact that he has so many questions that needed answers, anything that reminded him of Amestris simply crippled his willpower. A part of him wanted to avoid Ed, for the mere presence of him reminded him of all the sins he’s done and all the things he could _never_ do to atone for them. But another part of him wanted to talk to Ed and ask about what happened to Amestris since the exchange. There were way too many questions that Roy admitted he’s too cowardly to find the answer to.

He hit the wheel with a closed fist, “Damn you, Fullmetal.” Roy was frustrated, annoyed that even after everything, Ed had _that_ effect on him. Even that part of his memories is something he couldn’t let go of, and that’s what made things more difficult with him around.

It was always too difficult for Roy to deny Ed.

In less than 10 minutes, he turned the corner of the street of Sardona. As expected, Ed was already there, standing by the entrance of the hotel and looking intently at his cab pulling over.

“You took your damn time, didn’t you?” Smirking, Ed asked Roy. He welcomed himself in the car and sat on the passenger’s seat.

Roy was still very uneasy, only this time there was an air of reassurance that cut through it. He didn’t -- couldn’t look at Ed, so he only kept his eyes on the road as he drove. “Anywhere in particular you’re going to?”

Ed noticed the avoidance. “Wherever’s fine. I just needed to have a word with you.”

He tried his best to pretend it didn’t catch him off guard, “Have a word? With me?” Roy chuckled to cover the anxiety in his voice.

“Stop playing coy, Colonel.”

Roy glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. Ed still recognised him even through the worn-out face and unkempt hair. It wasn’t much of a surprise, if Roy were honest. Ed’s one of the smartest people he knew after all. He opted to lie anyway, “I’m surprised you still recognise me.”

“How can I not recognise that fucking arrogant face of yours?”

There was a bit of anger when he said it, Roy noted.

Roy stopped the car in a particularly quiet street. He looked at Ed, black eyes to gold, and for a moment, a poorly-sewn string of memories flashed before Roy’s eyes. “Why are you here, Fullmetal?”

“Before I answer your question, you answer mine.” Ed’s lips pursed tight into a line as he simply looked at Roy, brows furrowed and jaw tense. There was no hint of amusement when he finally asked, “Why did you leave Amestris?”


	3. Old Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd probably figure it out as we go but might be worth saving you the math: Year's set in 1925; Ed is 25 years old and Roy is 39.
> 
> Trying to lighten things up bit by bit! Keen to know your thoughts.

“Answer me, damn it.”

He wished Ed would just drop it. “There’s nothing to tell.” To be honest, Roy was starting to run out of alibis.

“You’re fucking lying through your teeth, and you know it.”

And he was getting impatient.

He continued to say nothing.

“I won’t stop ‘til you tell me, bastard—“

“I didn’t leave because I _wanted_ to, Fullmetal.” Roy heaved out a defeated sigh. He held his stern gaze at Ed, resolve struggling between surrender and resistance. His lips were shut in a thin line; his teeth clenched rather forcefully. He figured that Ed could easily see how tight his jaw was right then and there, because for the first time in five minutes, the younger did not retaliate.

There were some reverent, almost brittle seconds of silence when they didn’t do anything but look at one another; the stillness was expectant but teetered into a thick atmosphere of tension, too. It was as if they both expected the other to speak yet nobody took the initiative. And despite how difficult it was for him, Ed simply waited for Roy to continue his sentence; he waited for his old superior to finally offer an explanation.

One second passed, then two, and three. But the older man didn’t utter a word — not even a mere parting of lips. Was it because he didn’t want to or he simply _couldn’t_? There was a difference there that he wanted to point out, but impatience was getting the better of him. “Well? Tell me _why_ _you left_ ,” there was unnecessary malice in the last few words but this was no time for Ed to really start caring about his tone.

Roy’s grip on the steering wheel tightened a bit more. It did not go unnoticed. “I just…” There it was again — the familiar, uncomfortable tightening in his throat, as if he was in the middle of swallowing his own tongue. It’s been happening a lot more lately ever since Ed’s come to Creta. In Roy’s mind, the images were flashing back and the painful memories remained existent, but in reality it was a _lot_ harder to say aloud. If only that part he could articulate, maybe Ed wouldn’t be so pushy. But even that was too troublesome to explain.

Roy felt a number of emotions that he couldn’t contain even if he tried his best to. There was hatred, sadness, regret, and anger all in one, that he himself couldn’t figure out which emotion was the most dominant of all. And he knew all of these were blatantly showing on his face for Ed to see; he wouldn’t be surprised if the younger man snapped at him again in frustration. He was ready for it, ready for more hatred to top off his already raging anxiety.

“You know, Colonel,” Ed sighed. His voice was now calmer — a _lot_ calmer than Roy expected. “Maybe it would be easier for you to talk after we get something to eat.” The thunderous boom that Roy anticipated never really came, and this made him look back up in surprise. There was a faint smile on Ed’s face as he continued, “You craving for anything?”

It was a simple question, a trivial one at that. And yet, that was all it took for Roy to calm down. He looked up at Ed and saw a childish grin plastered on his face — one he’s seen often back in the days. It was as if he _just_ _knew_ what Roy needed to hear at that moment.

Curse the effect he _still_ had on him.

Ed took note of the shocked expression and spoke again, “Don’t worry, this one’s on me.”

Were there tears threatening to run down from Roy’s eyes? He wasn’t sure. What he _was_ sure of at that moment was this: This was a little too much for him to handle. All these years, everyday went by with nothing too significant to interrupt his routine, and now, with the presence of Ed, every single thing he’s ever tried to shove at the back of his mind just came at him in the form of a consummate singularity. And at that moment, Roy just wanted to go home and shut down from the rest of the world, to process everything and hopefully calm the storm brewing in his mind.

Ed’s question lulled, and he was well aware of that, so he finally replied before the offer faded, “To be honest, I just want to go home.” His forehead slumped against the steering wheel, like saying that sentence sucked out all the energy he had left.

There was a chuckle from Ed, almost inaudible but just enough that Roy heard it. Before he knew it, Ed was offering to drive him home, “How ‘bout I take the wheel this time?” There was no hint of sarcasm as he asked. “Just promise you’ll stay awake while I drive.”

Roy’s place was not that far away from the hotel. The stillness that washed over him when they got inside was liberating. Shoulders loosening up and face relaxing, Roy couldn’t help but look back at Ed, who followed him inside. “Sorry, the place is a mess. House visitors are uncommon – if not, illusive – so I figured there was never a good enough reason to bother tidying up.”

“That’s the most you’ve spoken since we saw each other.” There was that chuckle again. And it was starting to infect Roy, because he, too couldn’t help but laugh a little. This made Ed look at him as he continued, “And don’t worry about the mess. ‘S no big deal.”

Relief washed over him. Despite how alien the words sounded, he knew it was something that needed to be said, “I’m glad, Fullmetal.”

Ed groaned, “Why d’you still call me that anyway? Not like you’re still my boss.” The mood lightened up significantly as he threw his duffel bag on the couch, adding to the old clothes and empty cans of beer lazily left on there for what seemed like weeks now. “Just call me ‘Ed’ – kinda weird to still hear ‘Fullmetal’ when I’m no longer an alchemist.”

There was a very brief moment of shock upon hearing what the younger just said. But it shouldn’t have come as a surprise; after all, he only joined the military because he wanted to get their bodies back. “I suppose that’s true.” Roy glanced at the flesh that are _both_ Ed’s hands. He’s never really seen Ed’s right arm come back to its normal form, not after the exchange. “I figured you’d leave the military after everything.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Ed replied. He plopped down the dirty couch, no complaints, not even looking at Roy, before he continued, “And no, that’s not what I meant – I really am no alchemist anymore. Not just ‘cause I left the military, but because I gave it up.”

Roy followed to where Ed sat. He’s a bit embarrassed seeing all the rubbish he hasn’t put away. “I’m afraid I don’t quite understand what you mean.” He took the beer cans and walked towards the open kitchen, throwing them straight into the bin.

“I can’t do alchemy anymore,” Ed concluded. He fumbled with the old clothes on the couch. They were most definitely Roy’s, crumpled and uncared for. He smoothed out one of the shirts before he continued, “I paid the toll to get Al’s body back. And I gave up my alchemy.”

Roy froze. He tried to process what Ed just said, and a lot of his bitter memories started flooding back again. Giving up alchemy for someone he cared deeply for: Exactly like his and Hughes’ situation, except Ed’s was probably a lot clearer and anticipated in comparison to what he did. Roy slightly sank at the thought of Ed not being able to perform alchemy anymore because he could very well understand the feeling. There were times even after he started living in Creta that he would snap his fingers and expect a combustion to alight – a habit of _so_ many years – only for nothing to happen. It took quite a while for him to accept that such a gift of huge importance and prowess was taken away, all because of a decision he had not given much thought before carrying out.

“Hey,” Ed’s voice broke the silence. Roy was swimming in his thoughts again and genuinely forgot he had company. “You don’t look okay, so I’m not even gonna pretend to ask.” Ed’s always been blunt, one of the reasons Roy has always—

“Sorry, Fullmet– Ed.” The name rolled off his tongue smoothly. Short but sweet. Roy could get used to it. “I apologise if I can’t quite answer your questions just yet, Ed.”

“Yeah, well, I can always ask them again later,” Ed sighed and got up. He walked towards Roy until they were face to face, only a few feet apart. He’s gotten a lot taller, only a couple of inches shorter than Roy. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you, at least stop sulking over it until _after_ I get us something to eat.”

For the first time in many, many years, Roy smiled.

And not the kind of smile that he flashed at the girls in the pub; not the kind of smile he held when he had customers to charm; or the smile he achingly pretended to have whenever he saw himself in the mirror. No, none of that. Instead, it was a smile he thought he’d never get to wear again after all that happened – one that felt so genuine that the sensation felt so physically new altogether. And his chest ached a bit when he saw Ed smile back. It was so foreign yet _so familiar_ – like the image of him from over 10 years ago has not even wavered a bit from his mind.

He knew that eventually, Ed was going to bring up the previous discussion, but Roy was just thankful that he didn’t push any further. Even if it were only a couple of minutes, a couple of hours, that was enough for him. It was all he needed right now.

Ed walked past him and headed to the refrigerator. He opened the door unabashedly and started rummaging through it like he owned the place. “D’you have anything in your old fridge? You with all that sulking and keeping to yourself here in Creta – you look like you aged 50 fuckin’ years, I’m not even gonna lie – but I hope you’ve been eating, at least.” He then took out a bag of frozen vegetables and what looked like meat cutlets. “These’ll do for now, I guess. Unless you’re starvin’ then we can go to the hotel. Their dining service isn’t half bad.”

“Ed,” Roy started again, his fists white with strain. The younger looked back at him from the counter. It’s been a while since he’s been surrounded by the presence of someone he knew, someone he considered a part of his old life. And it was only now that it really hit him how lonely he’s been all these years. He missed having a foster mother, a lieutenant, a team, colleagues — hell, he even missed having _enemies_. Roy was not about to demand more from Ed, not any other form of validation to prove that he was there in that waking moment, and that he was there with him – _for him._ The warmth of another’s presence has all become too overwhelming; Roy hasn’t felt being cared for in a very long time ever since he left Amestris, and it didn’t matter even if it were just over a bunch of frozen peas and carrots, he would be just as overwhelmed if Ed hadn’t left the couch at all. “Just. Thank you.”

Ed shook his head slowly, contemplatively, and simply smiled before turning his attention back to the frozen bag of dinner.

Roy did not need to hear anything from him to understand. He smiled again, and this time he allowed the welled-up tears to freely run down his cheeks.

Because for the first time in so many agonising, tormenting years of being alone, Roy finally felt like it was possible to be happy again.


	4. Reflection

Dinner was short. There really wasn’t enough for two in those bags of frozen food. Roy never shopped in bulk, partly because he didn’t need to and partly because he really couldn’t afford it — Cretan cab drivers lived on minimum wage; he’s gotten used to it.

But Ed ended dinner with a smile anyway, and a sincere: “Thanks for the meal. T’was great.”

Roy smiled helplessly at him. “My apologies. Frozen food’s really all there is in this little flat.”

“Nah, what’re you even sorry for? You let me eat for free, and that’s just as good as any.” Ed quickly stood, took his and Roy’s empty plates, and headed to the sink.

“Ed,” calling him by his first name was still a bit odd, but he wasn’t complaining, “you don’t have to.” Roy followed him to the sink. It was already a lot to be thankful for that Ed prepared food; he didn’t need him doing the chores after, too. “I’ll take care of it, please–”

“Tch. Calm down, Colonel,” Ed swiftly swung his arms away from Roy. He then gently settled the dishes on the sink before continuing, “I told you it’s no big deal.” It was sincere, the voice calm as he turned the tap. The sound of the water running echoed through the silence. And just like that, he fell into a still quiet that felt like paralysis. There were a few thoughts whirring in his head as he cleaned the dishes, almost as if he was on autopilot.

Roy just stared at Ed’s back – shoulders broad and dress shirt slightly wrinkled – and decided not to question the sudden change of mood. For some reason, the silence between them was heavy this time. But he feared to say anything, so he only walked towards the kettle by the other side of the kitchen and opted to make some coffee for them both. Coffee’s always a good idea, right?

Two minutes passed when Ed finally placed the washed plates on the rack. He then dug the edges of his palms against the counter, weight transferring forth as he stared out the window. It was already long into the evening, but there were a number of clustered stars lighting up the view outside that it was hardly that dark. Amestris was never as bright. There was a waft of caffeine right under Ed’s nose a second later, as Roy smiled at him faintly, offering a mug of freshly brewed coffee.

“Thank you,” Ed said, taking the cup and sipping from it carefully.

“No,” Roy replied, “thank  _ you _ .”

Ed raised an eyebrow, amusement evident on his face. The coffee tasted delicious. “I still have questions I need to ask you, don’t think dinner and coffee are gonna let you off the hook.”

It was playful — a huge contrast to that morning. Funny how only a few hours could change the way they dealt with each other. Then again, dealing with each other was a very common drill they did back in the military. It was normal to go back and forth contempt and camaraderie, almost like a quiet yet coordinated dance. “I can’t promise you any answers, I’m afraid.” Roy wanted to open up – he really did – but it was just too painful, still. He knew it wouldn’t do him any good to pledge something he’s not sure he can undertake. Hughes and Riza were enough proof of that.

“I’m gonna yank it outta your mouth sooner or later,” it was a threat, a distasteful one but also distinctly funny. Always Ed’s brand. He took a sip of coffee and sighed contentedly. Golden eyes then stared at Roy for a moment, “Your hair’s grown long.”

When he abruptly changed the topic, Roy let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He covered the nervousness with a light chuckle, “This is what happens when you don’t have a military code for haircuts. Not that it ever bothered you,” he smiled and cocked his head sideways very subtly, taking note of Ed’s waist-long hair, now gone of the braid he used to keep and instead loosely tied behind him.

“You got any scissors?” Ed sensed the gears whirring inside the older man’s head. He stepped a bit forward, closing a few inches’ gap between him and the older man before thumbing a few strands of overgrown dark hair between his fingers. The skin of his right hand brushed very lightly against the exposed neck.

With that one touch, goosebumps ran from Roy’s neck down to his lower back. “Uh, yeah. I believe I keep one in the medicine cabinet in the washroom. Although I haven’t touched it in a while, so it might be a bit rusty.” He tried his best to gulp without Ed noticing. But he was looking straight at him, unflinching, as if reading his thoughts through the silence.

His hand still fiddling with Roy’s hair, “Over the years I’ve learned how to trim my own hair. D’you want me to trim yours?” The offer was flat, almost entirely unemotional. Ed’s eyes were vacantly fixated on Roy’s hair.

Roy felt the warmth of Ed’s body as the younger one, seemingly unaware of it, got closer and closer to where he stood. Why did it feel like his body was being set on fire? He looked at his hooded eyes as he croaked his reply, “S-sure.”

With their mugs of coffee forgotten, Ed prompted Roy to bring one of the wooden chairs to the bathroom. It was the same chair he sat on during dinner – uncomfortable yet sufficient. He began trimming the strands around Roy’s nape. He kept quiet but he wasn’t relaxed either. Roy felt the tension in the way the scissors moved against his hair. And he knew what Ed was waiting for; seems like his tenacity hasn’t changed since then.

Roy let out a low sigh that he made sure went unnoticed. He wasn’t certain it was the right time to speak about it but knowing Ed, the curiosity will  _ not _ go away. Even through the silence Roy was able to hear those questions — Ed has always been unnervingly persistent. Roy closed his eyes for a second before meeting the other’s gaze on the mirror. It was a gamble but it was a way to start the conversation that Ed was waiting for, “How’s Amestris?”

Ed’s fingers stopped trimming his hair upon hearing it, but he recovered so quickly that it was almost as if he meant to do it. “A lot better. The new president will be sworn into office a few days from now. Inauguration’s gonna be grand, I heard from old government colleagues who are in there as officials.”

“President, huh?” Roy felt relief. “I take it democracy’s working wonders for the country?” Flashing back were memories of him dreaming of being the one to turn Amestris over to a new leaf. He knew very well that because of one mistake, everything else he thought he wanted to do has been derailed. Funny how one decision can truly impact a man’s life. But at least, even if it weren’t him who’s done it, the fact that Amestris became free of the rotten system was nothing short of being happy about.

“Hell yeah,” Ed moved up to trim his sideburns. “Nobody misses having a führer, surprisingly. There were a lot of talks about the people being adamant of the change of government, but after just two years things are going pretty well.”

“That’s quite nice to hear. I’m glad the militarisation of the state has long gone,” Roy can’t remember when was the last time he’s delved into politics, specifically Amestrian. “The people deserve to have a government working with them and for them.”

Ed laughed, “You haven’t changed, have you? Underneath all this rugged, overgrown excuse for hair you’re still the Colonel I grew to distaste.”

“That’s good to hear,” Roy missed their banter. Ed’s never liked him ever since they met, but there was enough trust between them that only  _ they _ knew of. And Roy’s never taken that for granted — not back then, and especially not now. “You know, since I’m no longer in the military, you’re not obligated to call me by title anymore.” Roy had a feeling this was precisely the territory Ed was looking forward to. But Roy figured, if he was going to ask anyway, he might as well make the conversation a pleasant one, as pleasant as he would think imaginable. “Just call me ‘Roy’. That’ll make us on even ground, will it not?” Ed did not reply, and Roy didn’t need him to. His hands moved to trim Roy’s fringe then, and upon feeling the tips of his fingers, the goosebumps from earlier resurfaced. A part of him wanted to touch those fingers, but what’s left of his morality did otherwise.

“After you left,” Yes, Ed knew exactly how to steer the conversation in the direction he wanted, “a lot of things have changed.”

Roy knew where this was headed, and what questions were going to come back up; but before going into that territory, there was something more important he needed to know. It was painful to ask but he knew he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t ask, “How is Hughes?”

“Ah, Hughes.” Ed’s contemplation made him nervous. “Well, I still can’t believe him and Gracia are having a third child soon.”

There was something in Roy’s chest that made him want to cry. That was a short answer that contained everything he needed to know. He did not need to hear the epilogue of his military career, where Hughes ended up lodging or what he was now doing for a living — he just needed to know that Hughes was  _ living _ . That fact alone was enough to appease the fear and general distress trapped in him for so many years now. “I’m glad.”

“All done,” Ed said, setting the pair of scissors on the sink.

Roy looked up at himself and for the first time, he could recognise his face again.

“You looked like a fuckin’ animal with that sloppy excuse for hair,” Ed smirked. With arms now crossed, he leaned against the open door and just looked at Roy.

“Thanks,” Roy turned to him and smiled, “I owe you. Again.”

“Yeah, you do.” The smirk was gone. It was now back to being serious again. “And you know  _ exactly _ what I want in return.”

Roy looked at him intently for a few seconds before sighing. “I guess,” he began, stress beginning to climb back up his throat. But he fought it. He fought the negative feelings and looked at Ed through the mirror. Their reflections were locking gaze, tension so thick that a knife could cut through. Roy’s eyes closed, his grip around the sink tightening a bit as he mustered up enough courage to say, “Ed, I’ve seen the Truth.” There was a sharp gasp from the other side of the room. Roy didn’t bother looking at him. “And I’ve made an exchange that I couldn’t—”

The next thing Roy knew, fists were wringing his collar, a flaring anger all over Ed’s face. His tone was nothing short of hostile, “What the fuck did you do?”

Roy knew this was going to be a difficult talk, but it was something Ed wanted to push through, and something he himself eventually had to face, “Do you understand now why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you?” The hands on his collar were tight and painful, but he didn’t make an effort to stop Ed. For all there was, Roy deserved at least this much disgust from  _ somebody _ . He never felt like all the self-loathing was enough to really make him realise how bad a situation he’s made because of the exchange with Truth. He deserved this; he deserved to have someone tell him how grave a mistake he’s made.

“You of all people?!” There was anger in Ed’s voice, but now it was also evident of sadness and pity. Ed knew what it was like and Ed never wants to know what it’s like ever again. “W-what did you do?” His voice was beginning to melt; it was now nothing but of worry.

“Hughes,” Roy felt Ed’s hands loosen up a bit at the name. He tried his best to not break, “And Riza.”

Upon the latter’s name, Ed’s face turned blank. “W-what—”

Roy began again, “Riza’s life was taken away in exchange for Hughes’, which took away my alchemy.”

Ed now let go of him completely. “Alchemy?” His eyes were wide with surprise and confusion.

His tone set alarms off in Roy’s head, but he said nothing and waited for Ed to continue.

“Roy,” he replied as he slowly shook his head, “you were  _ never _ an alchemist.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to pick up very soon, and all the unanswered questions will be laid out in the next chapter/s.
> 
> Will also try to make this a bit more sappy for Roy and Ed. Keyword: try.
> 
> Meanwhile, would love to know what you think!


	5. Unlearn

“W–what are you saying?” Roy has never been so confused in his life. He perfectly heard what Ed said just now but his brain could not decipher any of the words, as if it were in a completely unheard of language.

“You were never an alchemist,” Ed repeated. His voice trembled a little bit as he did, almost doubting his own self as he said so. “Roy, you were a soldier who climbed up the ranks just like every other officer in Amestris. You’re not a state alchem—”

Roy’s breath hitched as he interrupted, “Stop.” His eyes widened even more than they already did. He felt his knees grow weak, with a hand covering his slightly agape mouth. Head filled with so many questions, puzzle pieces trying to put together, legitimacy of memories he’s beginning to question; he was _drowning_ in his own brain. Everything was starting to become really hazy; he wasn’t sure anymore what was real and what wasn’t.

Ed sensed the jeopardy brewing in the older man’s head. His fists balled up tightly as he looked at Roy with both hesitation and sympathy. Was he supposed to comfort the man? He himself was unsure why he even should — considering he didn’t know why Roy was reacting in such a way — yet seeing him basically crumbling from his words was almost as if he were _begging_ for consolation. “Roy?”

“Ed,” Roy began again, tone vulnerable. His hands were both gripping the sink’s rim, knuckles turning light from the pressure. He lowered his head so that he couldn’t make eye contact with Ed as he spoke, “Do you know why I’m in Creta?”

Taken aback, he furrowed his brows and impatiently answered, “I’ve been asking that since I got here, dammit.”

Suddenly, something inside Roy snapped. It was like the floodgates finally opened and he couldn’t stop it anymore. “I can’t go back,” at the verge of tears, he closed his eyes so tightly it almost hurt, “I can’t ever go back knowing what I’ve done. All of the sins I’ve committed... If I deserve anything that this world has to give, it’s this: The exile of a man whose greatest ambition is to help his own people. That’s more than a great punishment fate has given me. And I deserve nothing less.”

Being in Creta, Roy took it as a chance to make amends with himself. The past decade has helped him heal a fraction of his impiety, the greatest of which was losing Riza for his sake. When she said she will do _anything_ for him, Roy has never ever thought of taking her life.

Was he worth it?

Probably not, if he were truthful.

Riza was more than anything he ever asked for, and all it took was one act of selfishness on his part to basically wipe out any trace of her existence. And ten, twenty, two hundred years of isolation will never be enough for Roy to pay for that price.

Because more than anything, he didn’t deserve her. Riza was still a person on her own, despite how much she’s devoted herself to him. And because of what happened, all of that was a waste. Riza never had a chance to be the person he’s always leaned on. The person who’s helped him become who he was, made him realise the dreams he wanted to achieve, the strength to go through hell and back — every step of the way, Riza was there for him, _with him_ , and what did he do? He fucking took her life to bring someone back from the dead. The very thing he frowned upon hearing the Elric brothers do many years ago. Suddenly, those kids didn’t seem so young; even a grown-up like himself fell into the temptation, so doesn’t that make him even more tenuous, perhaps selfish, than they were?

The silence stretched for a longer while before the younger spoke again. “You’re dishonouring her,” Ed started as gently as he could. His voice was still stern, hinting that at any point of speaking with Roy for the years they’ve known each other, now was not the time for him to go soft — not after knowing the sin he’s committed. If there was anyone in this world who knew what Roy was feeling, it was Ed. “I may not know what the deal was with Riza – hell, I don’t even _know_ her – but what’s done has already been done. And no matter what you do now, you can never undo your mistakes.”

Roy opened his eyes. Those words stung, probably because no part of what Ed said was a lie. He was angry but he didn’t have the gall to express it. It physically hurt to even look at the blank white porcelain below him, what more to face Ed.

When Roy continued to stay silent, back facing him, Ed continued with an even more composed tone, “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there, and you’ve seen me go through it for many years. But what you’re doing now? It’s fucking pointless. It’s the worst thing you could ever do to yourself, justifying that this isolation will _solve_ anything.” His words were vile, his voice resentful, but everything was nothing short of honest. He’s always been honest, and that was how they were able to gain each other’s trust along the way. Now was not any exception and Roy could hate him for all he cared. To hell with him being sensitive. “I don’t know what happened to you these past ten years, Roy,” Ed caught Roy’s shoulders flinch, and he almost wanted to reach out to him, but he knew it wasn’t the right time to do so, “You disappeared before we even killed the Dwarf in the Flask, and nobody could find a trace of you. Not one. And yeah, in case you were wondering, _we fucking looked for you_.”

It was that feeling again inside of Roy: A mix of anxiety, confusion, anger, sadness, sentimentality. He wasn’t sure what to make of it but just knowing that his disappearance was of note then made him feel wistful.

Ed didn’t wait for Roy to turn to him nor reply, “I don’t care if you’re taking this as your way to pay for what you’ve done or if you’re just taking your damn time to mull over everything, but I’m telling you now that this will not change _anything_ at all. If you cared so much for Riza, you wouldn’t taint her memory this way. You wouldn’t be hiding yourself from everything you’ve worked for up to the point of meeting Truth. You wouldn’t be here accepting what your life has come to,” Ed’s voice was filled with anger and frustration once more. He shook his head, even though Roy couldn’t see him, “because the Roy I know would _never settle_ for anything less than what he knows he’s capable of. And from what I’m seeing, this isn’t any sort of atonement at all; it’s just you hiding away from the reality of your consequences.”

Roy’s shoulders tensed. Still, he refused to look at Ed.

And Ed could keep going. He could go on and on and on about this, because he had every right to do so after the nightmare he endured with Truth. But Roy’s body began to slightly shake, and Ed, despite how much he wanted to continue berating, was overtaken with something kinder; something akin to affection for the older man. “Roy, I don’t care if you never look at me again, but,” Ed was beginning to ache from seeing Roy like such; it was torture to not hear him speak but he trudged on, “The guilt? It’s never going to disappear. The nightmares might never go away and the regrets might stay with you until the day you die, but that doesn’t mean you can’t lead a life beyond this point. You have to unlearn the way you perceive this — the way you’re _not_ acting upon the pain. Just, please, fully face and accept it as a part of who you are.”

Roy remained silent, still looking down the sink. His knuckles have now turned white from the strain of gripping the rim for so long. “Ed,” he finally spoke, voice hoarse and throat dry, “you need to leave.”

Ed gritted his teeth, jaw clenched so hard he felt his face hurt. Anger creeped back up, “Roy—”

_“Please.”_

Ed wanted to grab him by the shoulder, force him to face his direction and punch him square in the face. But he couldn’t do it. Despite the temper, he was no longer the same kid back then, and he wanted Roy to see that. Yes, he was frustrated with the situation, but recalling his own years of atonement made him empathise with what’s Roy going through at the very least. Defeated, he simply let out a sigh before declaring, “I’m leaving for Amestris two days from now. And I want you to come with me.” Roy’s head lifted a little bit. It was not the reaction Ed wanted, but it was _a reaction_ nonetheless, “If you don’t wanna let me know what’s happened to you all these years, at least see what’s happened to everyone else since you left.”

Roy remained quiet.

He was getting tired. Ed took a pen and piece of paper from his pocket, and scribbled something on it. As he did, he spoke, “I’m not forcing you. I’m just offering you the possibility.”

Upon hearing the words, Roy’s eyes refocused. He was still not looking at anything in particular, but something about what Ed just said made him recall a distant memory.

Nonchalant, Ed continued, “Will you end your days in despair? Or will you seek other possibilities? If the possibility is there, you should move forward even if the way ahead is through a river of mud.”

Shivers ran down Roy’s spine. Those were the exact same words he told Ed when he first met the kid back in Resembool. That crippled child, sitting on a wheelchair at the age of 11, was burned in Roy’s memory since time immemorial. And how funny was it now that that kid’s all well at the present time, while he was stuck in a place with nobody to turn to, wallowing in the consequences of his choice.

Life was ironic.

Roy tried to get a word out in response, “Ed, I just… can’t…” He was defeated. He was spiritless. And he was just tired. None of this would have happened if only Roy didn’t see Ed by the hotel and avoided him altogether. Then he could’ve simply carried on with his normal life and not be in his small bathroom with an old subordinate stirring up memories he didn’t want to recall any longer. “I don’t have anything left to give…”

“I think,” Ed’s voice sounded hopeful, positive, excited. And this time, it caught Roy’s attention. The older man finally looked behind his shoulder and met those golden eyes. Ed smirked, “I think your eyes have flames in them, still.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a month, this story is finally coming to a close! Keen to know what you think so far and what your predictions/expectations are going to be for the last (?) chapter. Thanks so much for all the kudos, bookmarks, and comments thus far! They’re all very much appreciated.
> 
> And yes, the last few lines were lifted directly from the scene where Roy first recruited Ed for the military. Mandatory disclaimer: Quoted dialogue is not mine and is owned by Arakawa-sama, etc.


	6. Coins and Catharsis

Roy never knew that the morning sun could be so harsh. He looked up from where he lay, forearms barely protecting his eyesight from the rising ball of star shining through the window.

It’s only been six hours since Ed left, yet somehow it felt a lot longer. In his mind, it’s as if it’s been days since Ed’s offer came about. When in reality, their cold cups of coffee, long forgotten, were still on the table from across the room, with Ed’s half-empty.

More than his presence, the words remained. Roy fully opened his eyes this time, and when he did it felt like he could read the words from anywhere he looked; almost like they were imprinted on the walls and the ceiling of his small home.

_“I’m leaving for Amestris two days from now.”_

_"And I want you to come with me.”_

He remembered not uttering a response at the offer; he remembered staying put, completely stunned at how it was so sudden, and; he remembered Edward, shuffling something in his coat, from behind where Roy stood at the time, before closing the door shut upon leaving him.

The words kept ringing in his head, reminiscent of a jumping vinyl record with nobody to fix it.

_I’m leaving for Amestris two days from now._

_And I want you to come with me._

_Amestris._

_Come._

_With me._

Roy, from the very bottom of his jaded heart, knew it was something he’s always wanted to do ever since the exchange. He’s always wondered what’s happened to Amestris the moment he accepted his fate of being stuck in Creta for the rest of his life. So when Ed spoke of bringing him back home, he wasn’t sure why he froze up, unable to even face the younger man.

Maybe it was because of the guilt – guilt that sprung from the dearth of Riza’s life in exchange of Hughes’ own.

Maybe it was because of fear – fear that the changes he’s caused have become so great he wouldn’t be able to process them.

Maybe it was because of foreboding – foreboding of the demons he’s avoided for so many years, without the slightest intention of answering to them.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because of love – the simple reminder that everything he’s left behind was what made him feel whole in the first place, and that losing all of that was exactly why he’s felt completely empty ever since.

Roy grunted as he sat up, old and dirty clothes still laid on the arm of the couch from where his feet were. Gently, he rubbed the balls of his palms against his eyes. He could feel the tears threatening to fall, that he knew if he let his hands loose he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying.

He’s afraid.

He’s afraid to face what he’s turned his back from.

He’s afraid to see what the world has come to without him, and how the world has become without him knowing anything that’s happened since then.

He was afraid to see the faces he’s left behind, the many years that’s passed by, the moments he’ll never be able to recapture, and the ambitions he’s never been able to fulfill.

In that moment, as he fought very hard to fight back his tears, Edward flashed in his mind: The usually impatient demeanor a bit softer, eyes kind with a faint smile on his face, _“Roy.”_

He let his hands fall on top of his thighs, drops of tears beginning to soak his jeans. His knuckles firmly held on to the fabric of his pants that they instantly created wrinkles in their wake, but that was the least of his concern at the moment.

For the first time in many, many years, Roy allowed himself to cry.

He couldn’t remember the last time he wallowed in such a catharsis of emotions. It was awful and exhausting, but it was also the most liberated he’s felt in a very long time in, perhaps, all his life.

He was angry, frustrated, guilty, afraid, anxious, and a hundred more emotions all in one go.

At the same time he was also aching, yearning, longing for so many things that he couldn’t put them into words — that only the tears could seemingly express them for him.

It took another minute for Roy to finally catch his breath and wipe his face using the stained sleeve of his long-sleeved polo. He was completely disheveled, he knew he needed a shower and a fresh change of clothes, probably even start driving the cab – but a bigger part of him knew that that was the least of what he _really_ needed at the moment.

Roy looked at the piece of paper Ed left on his table the night before. He stood up, feeling the uneven surface of wood underneath his feet, and picked up the note that was held down by a few coins. He stared at the words, eyebrows barely meeting at his temple, “The 520 cenz I owe you. In case you don’t come back home, my conscience is clean knowing I’ve paid you in full.”

He let out an unbelievably heavy sigh, one he’s held since he started crying, and as he read the rest of what Edward wrote, finally, without much effort, he smiled.

He tucked the piece of paper in his pocket, followed by the coins, before going to his room, fishing out a pair of socks, and putting his tattered dress shoes on. He gave his empty old home a once-over by the time he was near the front door: It still looked so dull and dirty, but for some reason, this time around it was something that Roy didn’t mind so much anymore.

Turning on his heels, he took his black coat and draped it over his shoulder, before sighing once more and twisting the doorknob open. The sun shone directly at him, yet it didn’t blind as it did before.

And when he stepped out, a familiar blonde figure stood up from his doorstep, facing him with that familiar smile.

There was an obvious and expectant satisfaction in the younger’s voice as he spoke, “Finally ready to go?”

And Roy, smiling himself, has never ever felt so ready in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for reaching the end of this work.
> 
> Er, it might seem a bit of a cliffhanger, so — surprise, surprise: I decided to create an entire series off of the story!
> 
> Please also look forward to the rest. This time, I can guarantee some real romance between them and some answers to the open-ended parts of the story.
> 
> Thank you again for all the support!


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